ACT Beagle Club
Welcomes All Beagles & Their Friends
The Ten Commandments
According to Your Beagle
1. Thou shalt feed me today more than thou didst yesterday.
2. Thou shalt teach me with food—not big sticks and loud voices.
3. Thou shalt walk with me every day—despite thy favorite TV program.
4. Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on.
5. Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me—lest I feel unwanted.
6. Thou shalt love me to death—even when I bark all night.
7. Thou shalt not have a Cat with attitude and claws.
8. Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it.
9. Thou shalt not hide the food.
10. Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I poo on thy neighbors' lawn and promote community strife
Birthday Cake
Ingredients
1 ½ cups baking powder
½ cup margarine (softened)
1 x jar strained beef or liver baby food
3 x eggs
3 x strips dog beef jerky (crumbled), (small dog treats will do instead)
1 x tub plain yoghurt (for icing), and handful of frozen peas, corn and capsicum (for topping).
Method
Sift flour and baking powder together; set aside
In large bowl, cream margarine until smooth (electric mixer, medium speed)
Add baby food and eggs. Mix until smooth
Gradually beat flour mixture into beef mixture until batter is smooth (mixer at low speed)
Fold in treats (or beef jerky)
Pour batter into well-greased and floured 8” x5” x3” loaf pan (or round pan, if choose)
Bake in pre-heated oven at 160 degrees for 70 minutes
Let cool on wire rack for few minutes before removing from pan to cool.
Once cool, apply yoghurt icing and top with peas, corn and capsicum for decoration.
Bon appétit (pooches that is)!!
Cheese and Crandberry Cookies
300G WHOLEMEAL OR PLAIN FLOUR
125 ML OLIVE OIL
200G LOW-FAT CHEDDAR CHEESE, GRATED
100G DRIED CRANBERRIES, CHOPPED
1 TBSP MINT, CHOPPED (I USED DRIED MINT)
100 ML COLD WATER
1 EGG, BEATEN LIGHTLY, TO GLAZE
FROSTING
250G LOW-FAT CREAM CHEESE
NATURAL RED FOOD COLOURING – FEW DROPS
1. Place all the ingredients, EXCEPT the water, in a large bowl and mix till thoroughly combined. Slowly add the measured water to make a smooth dough. You may not use all the water.
Knead the dough onto a lightly floured surface until firm, and then roll out to a 5mm thickness.
2. Cut out festive shapes with a cookie cutter. Place onto baking paper, spaced 1cm apart and brush with egg.
3. Bake cookies in a preheated oven, 180 C (or 160 C fan-forced) for 25 – 30 mins till firm to the touch. Remove from oven, cool on wire rack for 2 hours, allowing them to harden.
4. Frosting – Beat cream cheese (with food colouring if using) till soft. Transfer to a piping bag with a fine nozzle and decorate. Refrigerate 2 -3 hours.
*** Cookies can be stored in an airtight container for 2 weeks (if they last that long!)
MAKES 30-40
The Day Before Christmas
'Tis the day before Christmas and all through the house
The puppies are squeaking an old rubber mouse.
The wreath which had merrily hung on the door
Is scattered in pieces all over the floor.
The stockings that hung in a neat little row,
Now boast a hole in each one of the toes.
The tree was subjected to bright-eyed whims,
And now, although splendid, it's missing some limbs.
I catch them and hold them, be good I insist.
They lick me, then run off to see what they've missed.
And now as I watch them, the thought comes to me,
That theirs is the spirit that Christmas should be.
Should Children and Puppies yet show us the way?
And teach us the joy that should come with this day?
Could they bring the message that's written above,
And tell us that, most of all, "Christmas is love!"
Life Lessons Learned From Your Beagle
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Ode to Brian and Lesley
Ode to Brian and Lesley
This poem which was written very quickly, was to thank Brian and Lesley for organizing a really wonderful week-end. It is based on an English poem called “Albert and the Lion,” and is to be performed with a North of England dialect, hence the missing of many /H/ D/ and /G/ sounds, and the shortening of “the” to t’.
Enjoy, an’ ‘ave a bit a fun tryin’ t’ say it
There’s a famous country town called Cootamundra,
That’s noted for fresh air and beer,
An’ ‘twas there tha’ t’ New South Wales Beagle Club, (with t’ ACT)
Went wi’ their ‘ounds fo’ some cheer.
There were one respected breeder called Brian,
Who opened ‘is ‘ome for ‘em all,
“Let’s all play a game that’s called draggin’”
T’ undertaking for ‘im were not small.
So, wi’ ‘is wife and ‘is family supportin’,
T’ emails went whizzing around,
Be ‘ere on t’ dot at eleven,
A’ make sure you bring your best ‘ound.
So after t’ ‘ounds ‘ad inspected
Parts only vets should touch,
They set off together for ‘untin’
For some t’ cattle grid was too much.
The first ‘unt attempt was fantastic,
The ‘ounds ran away in a blurr,
The lure sped away in t’ distance,
All we saw were a sea a brown fur.
The second attempt were even better,
With t’ rain beatin’ ‘ard on our cheeks,
The ‘ounds runnin’ off in a flurry,
An’ Theo went missin’ for weeks.
At last t’ rain stopped its spittin’
An’ t’ ‘ounds chased t’ lure they could see,
T’ ‘umans by this time were frozen,
So went back t’ bunk ‘ouse for tea.
So it’s thank you t’ Brian n Lesley,
For makin’ this a fantastic day,
Let’s all join t’ chorus together,
An’ say, “Brian n Lesley, ‘ip, ‘ip, ‘ooray!”
Jethro's Slave (ACT Beagles)
Marry a Man???
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it...
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ....
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ....
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ...
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually .
Then buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then buy a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was going to say....then marry a man!
Dog Logic
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
Woman and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
Dog's Life
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, I can and you can't, so you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up YOUR poop do you???
Beagle House Rules
1. Beagles are never permitted in the house. The beagle stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.
2. Okay, the beagle can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the beagle can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse can be sold in a garage sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the beagle is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the garage sale, and the beagle can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The beagle is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the beagle can get up on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the beagle can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the beagle will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The beagle never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the beagle can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
11. Okay, the beagle can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the beagle can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the beagle can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the beagle can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The beagle never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" even if it's true.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur" niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!
A Walk in the Park - With a Superhero
So. On Wednesday, Himself and myself went out for our evening constitutional – around a couple of ovals ‘n cricket pitches ‘n bits of scrubby grass filling in the gaps between the ovals ‘n the cricket pitches. On the homeward stretch, we espied a group of 5 young trainee hoodlums (well, dressed to give that impression – probably all secretly destined to become pillars of society) on the far side of the oval.
When they saw Himself and myself, they all started running towards us (somewhat to my dismay), yelling their heads off about something or other. Aenghus was, of course, oblivious. I, on the other hand, was gathering myself unto myself to defend the pup when I suddenly realised what all the yelling was about…..
“Hey, look! It’s Underdog!!”... “It’s a superhero hound!” .. “Yay, one of them dogs from that movie we saw!! “… and more to that effect. When they got to us, they all TOTALLY ignored me & fell all over Aenghus - patting, rubbing, ruffling, stroking the Suedes…. and talking a mile a minute. Eventually, they deigned to notice my presence & very nicely thanked me for letting them play with my superhero dog who (they said) was every bit as lovable as the star of the film. And, they said, OBVIOUSLY superhero material.
My little superhero. Who knew??
